“Do I really sound like that?”: Why we Hate the Sound of Our Own Voice - and How to Get Over it.
“…Do I really sound like that?”
That’s the reaction most people have to hearing a recording of their voice. It sounds alien, distorted, and just…weird. It can actually make you panic a little – “Wait! That’s what everyone hears? That’s not me! You’ve been hearing the wrong Me!”
“I can’t stand the sound of my own voice” is a block so many people have keeping them from making a podcast, or a limiting belief that makes podcasting (especially editing) unenjoyable. If you’re turned off by your own voice, it’s hard to have an objective POV on what is working and what’s not as you’re making an episode, and can make the whole process uneasy and unpleasant.
I’ve been studying and performing with my voice for most of my life, and both my parents are linguists, so language and communication have always been things paid extra attention to. Of course, different microphones, recording devices and speakers can all give a slightly different sound, but that’s not usually what we’re reacting to when we hear recordings of ourselves. Usually it’s the pitch, tone or quality of the voice. Our speech patterns, dialects or thickness of our accents can be an unpleasant surprise. Our voice might remind us of someone or something we don’t like, or at least not match what we think we’re projecting. Like you’ve been wearing a disguise without knowing it, and people aren’t hearing the REAL you.
I want to tell you: there is nothing wrong with your voice. Your voice is like a passport – it shows stamps of your whole life, where you were raised, where your parents are from, the community you live in, the societal pressures or prejudices you’ve had to adapt to, your heritage, the kind of education or training you’ve had, your body type.
And I want to tell you: disliking the sound of your voice is completely normal. There are lots of reasons for it, but I want to focus on two today.
The first one is: mechanics.
Think of your voice like a car engine.
I want you to imagine you’re sitting in a car with the engine running. It’s got that medium-gentle hum, more of a background noise, hopefully pretty smooth, without the sharp edges.
Now imagine you step out of the car. How does the engine sound now? It’s louder, isn’t it? Do you hear the metal? The gears spinning? Surfaces vibrating together? Does it sound a little brighter, harsher, with more nuance and detail?
The reason a car engine sounds different whether you’re sitting inside a car or standing outside of it, is the exact same reason your voice sounds different when you’re listening to yourself talk versus hearing a recording of it.
When you’re sitting in the car, the engine is being muffled by layers of glass, plastic, vinyl, leather, air, and metal. You’re really hearing the combined symphony of the vibrations of the car’s materials, not just the engine. In fact, luxury car companies have entire departments dedicated to creating the perfect internal sound for an ideal driving experience when designing their cars.
If you’re standing outside the car, that’s a different story. You’re just hearing it through the a thin metal hood and a muffler. There’s way less between you and the source, so it sounds louder and more raw.
Hearing your voice while you are speaking is like being inside the car. You’re not hearing pure sound as someone you’re speaking to would. It’s being combined with the vibrations of your vocal cords, jaw, skull and articulators just like you’d hear an engine through all the parts of a car. Listening to a recording is like standing outside of the car. Just the voice, none of the internal muffling or vibration.
Another reason your voice sounds different is your orientation; think of the direction the sound is going when you’re speaking versus where your ears are. It’s more like you’re standing behind someone talking. However, you speak directly into a microphone (if not, you might be doing it wrong!), so when you listen to the recording it’s more like being face-to-face with yourself. Given the normal orientation of ears-to-voice, it’s understandable why that sounds weird. It comes down to biology and a different perspective.
The second reason I want to talk about has to do with our personal history and social conditioning.
In the USA, we have long defined “correct” speech as “white, middle class, male, native-born, non-regional, and higher educated” speech. That leaves out a lot of us. Like…most of us. Which means that many of us have probably gotten negative attention and messages for the way we speak, which we can’t help but internalize. We constantly modulate our speech to avoid this negative feedback, or worse, being written off because of the way we talk.
If you’re a non-native speaker, you may have worked tirelessly to command the language, not just to be understood, but out of a fear that people would interpret less than 100% fluency as a lack of intelligence or education.
If you’re African American, you may have had to put up with negging comments like “you speak so well,” or learned how to flawlessly code switch. As Dave Chappelle said, “Every Black American is bilingual…We speak vernacular, and we speak “job interview.” Even though the connection between dialects and race is mostly rooted in our history of segregation, the consequences of this prejudice are very real.
If you’re a woman, the landmines we navigate when we open our mouths are endless. And, like in most areas, we can’t win. If we use upspeak (going up at the end of sentences) we’re heard as whiny or wishy-washy. But if we’re direct with our language and don’t use upspeak, we are aggressive. If we soften our voices with vocal fry or “ums” and “likes”, we’re childish or lack confidence – but if we speak confidently and clearly, we’re shrill. It’s a life-long dance of trying to not be completely stepped on without people thinking you’re a b-word. It is exhausting.
I went through this when I started podcasting. I heard myself and thought, “Do I sound stupid? Do I sound like an airhead?” I started panicking that I wasn’t representing my own intelligence, that people would write me off as dumb, and not listen. I worried that I was going to feed into existing prejudices about women – people would hear my voice and think, “See? Women are idiots” or “Women don’t know what they’re talking about.”
Dear readers, I may not have confidence in every area, but I have never doubted this this: I am extremely intelligent.
Which is why being called a “dumb blonde” the whole time I was growing up, and the years of being dismissed, mansplained to, and feeling like I had to downplay my intelligence on dates or in meetings to not seem threatening to the men around me, has been a deep trigger and trauma my entire life. So when I heard my voice and thought “Do I sound like a ‘dumb blonde’? Are people going to think I’m stupid?” I had to check myself. Those words are not my words. Proving my intelligence, the intelligence of my entire gender and dismantling millennia of prejudice is not my responsibility. People are welcome to think whatever they want of me, and if anyone listens to a woman speak with confidence and authority on a subject and automatically thinks “She’s an airhead who doesn’t know what she’s talking about,” I am 100% comfortable telling them to f*ck off.
So how do we get past judging our own voice? I’ve got a few suggestions.
Do a bit of exposure therapy. Record yourself reading or talking about something that brings you joy. Try several devices and microphones if you have them, listen on several different speakers and headphones. Give yourself time to get familiar with your voice and maybe even pick out things you like. Can you learn anything about yourself?
Detach from your voice by giving it another name (for now). You’re not listening to YOUR voice. That’s Charlie’s voice! Or Tanisha’s voice!
Get an honest opinion from someone you trust. Ask if there’s actually something you’re doing with your voice that’s off-putting. Do the recordings sound weird to them, too? What do they like about your voice?
Get some vocal coaching. In fact, you should do this even if you don’t hate your voice! Learning how to make choices with your voice and speech will uplevel your power to engage your audience through speech.
Identify the fear. What feelings come up when you listen to your voice? Be honest with yourself. Are you hearing something you’ve been made fun of for before? Did someone criticize the way you spoke and that criticism stuck? Were you told by well-meaning people that you had to sound a certain way or use certain words to be taken seriously? Are you afraid of being misunderstood, written off, judged? These are real issues that might be holding you back in ways much bigger than dreading hitting record.
Learning to love and accept your voice is an incredibly powerful way to work on loving and accepting your whole self. Try it – and let me know how it goes!
